*sigh* My mom will not get off my case about college and portfolio reviews. Shes just putting all this pressure on me to draw from life and build up my portfolio, but with my art school and my regular highschool I'm just stressed out. I mean school has literally just started and I'm already pulling my hair out. I think what's holding me back is my limited art skills. I want to draw so many things but I cant because I dont know anatomy or basic forms. I didnt get serious about art until this past summer meaning I didnt have a good amount of time to produce portfolio quality art. My mom just asked if I really want to be an illustrator because according to her I'm "irresponsible" and "messy" and "wont make it in college". Honestly I'm just freaking tired of art right now. Don't get me wrong I love art, Its just Ive been forcing myself to improve over the past few weeks and I'm just so tired. Like I sometimes want to cry because I'm so stressed and ugh. My mom just does not understand the pressure shes putting on me. I appreciate her efforts, but man she needs to back off and leave me alone for awhile because I feel like I'm going to implode. She keeps going around bragging about my art to all her friends putting me on a pedestal that I dont want to be on right now. I'm just trying to improve, get some shit done, and hopefully make it in college.
My dad keeps getting on my case too! He will not stop giving me the responsibility speech and Im like dad stahp. Just stahp. I am just struggling way too much and apparently I'm failing art history because my mom got a letter in the mail from my art history teacher. Ok does anyone actually like art history? I recognize that art history is important and the rococo style of art has really influenced me, but man I feel like a sinking rock in art history class. To actually pay attention in that class drains energy I dont even have. When my teacher starts talking about dates I just crumble on the inside because oh lawd art history is boring.
And then I'm failing sign language 3 because I cant do it this year. In that class we are constantly presenting in front of everyone and I just cant. To stand in front of that class with everyone's eyes on me as I sign a story. . . its a nightmare. Its worse this year because my teacher got a new classroom that has all the desks super close to the front of the room. Last year, in our old classroom, I could present easily because all the desks were on the sides of the room and I couldn't tell if someone was staring at me. This year I see everyone's eyeballs just staring at my trembling hands as I fumble through a presentation. So triflin.
And then there's AP English and oof man. I do dearly hate that class. Of course I sit in the very front of the room against my will. Stupid assigned seats. My teacher likes to call on people to read from the textbook and of course I always get called on to read 3 pages at a time. Its gets to the point, when Im reading out loud, that simple words such as "dog" and "cat" turn into "doughfinfovnv" and "cassncjdb" because I stutter when I read out loud. And the work load man! the work load! My teacher assigns like 5 pages of exercises and chapter reviews a night with an essay on the side. My class got "the scarlet letter" assigned and ha! You thought I read that book. Ima bout to fail that test. Crap.
School has just gotten way too intense this year. *infinite sighing*
ProM, Autrenasia,, and Misfit will come out when they do. They're my stress relievers so if I can't cope with school I work on them. Stay tuned folks and wish me luck in the endless fuckery that school is!